The times, they are a changing
January 14, 2011 4 Comments
Michel Platini. The name that sends a shiver down the spines of the Premier League big boys. He’s finally got his wish, ever since he was installed as king (or whatever) of U.E.F.A, he has been on a one man mission to demolish all that is evil about the European game. No, not the racist supporters of Italy, Spain and Eastern Europe. Not the bungs and backhanders from shady agents. Not the diving and cheating at the highest level. Not even the blatant tapping up of players through the media. Platini has seen only one thing that is a danger to the European game, English football. Be afraid; be very afraid, because he has finally found a way to destroy it.
He proposes in the ‘U.E.F.A Financial Fair Regulations’ to “encourage clubs to manage their finances better”, sounds well meaning doesn’t it, he wants to help us, he doesn’t want another football club to go to the wall, but read between the lines of his French waffle and we discover he basically he wants to stamp down on the unparalleled cash cow of the Premier League. The new guidelines will only really affect us, because whist our league brokers deals worth billions, the French ligue probably have to accept chocolate oranges and lint for their television rights. What we are about to witness, my dear football fan, is the first nail in our games coffin. In his, rather blinkered, opinion the Premier League is much like a lottery winning chav, someone who doesn’t deserve their new found riches and finer things in life and inevitably will only waste there gifted windfall. Granted our football clubs waste mega money on appalling players and give them huge sums of cash, which often results in them making a pact with the devil allowing them to trade their brain cells for hookers, but shouldn’t it be our choice?
The Premier League are brave enough to regularly pull down the pants of the F.A and discharge a long golden piss of self-righteousness and broken promises into the empty begging bowl at Wembley, but when Napoleon pipes up they retreat like… like…like…well like the French during a period of war. Why don’t they stand up to him? He looks like an ageing lesbian. He hates our game, absolutely despises any success we have or might attain. It wouldn’t surprise any of us if the next televised U.E.F.A press conference takes place from the anal passage of Florentino Perez, Platini’s spiritual home.
It appears that some coaches and owners have been privy to Platini’s new financial guidelines for years. Real Madrid are back in galactico mode, once again printing money made from the image rights of the soiled souls of all their players. You can imagine it, Perez cosying up to Ronaldo and telling him what a wonderful player he is, just before he informs him that he is set to become the face of Real Madrid’s new pile cream. Over the past 5 years pundits and supporters have been questioning Arsene Wenger’s penny pinching approach in the transfer market, suddenly the new stadiums almost paid for and they’re announcing profits of £50 million. This profit would put them at the forefront of any transfer activity under Platini’s new plans.
Platini wants profit from football clubs, not serviceable debt. Arsenal will be kings of the crumbling Premier League castle. The transfer budget and wage bill of every Premier League club will have to be slashed; this will undoubtedly have huge ramifications on the likes of, brides to be, Manchester City. Their open pursuit of the best players in the world will be replaced by shameful approaches to the agent of the new Hamilton Ricard. Our game will hit rock bottom. Let there be no doubt that the Premier Leagues leading lights will seek new challenges, challenges that just so happen to take part in a warmer climate and lower taxes. The foreign players will not want to stick around to help rebuild our crushed empire.
If the Premier League stand by and let this happen, mark my words Platini will achieve his goal. And when we’re on our knees, Platini will threaten us with expulsion from Europe after an English fan had a sly fag at the Bernabeu. He will then broker a deal allowing us to continue in Europe if we let him rewrite the history of the Premier League. We will agree again because we are weak. Gone will be the astonishing treble winning season of Manchester United in 99. Our history will instead recall the time Marco Boogers left West Ham and went to live in a caravan. Gone will be the season where Arsenal remained unbeaten throughout the entire league campaign in 2003/4 . The history books will recall Marco Boogers in his caravan and the time England right back Gary Charles was found in his car covered in his own faeces. Gone will be Liverpools exhilarating European cup triumph in Istanbul. History shall not record this, history will recall Marco Boogers in his caravan, Gary Charles in his own shit, El-Hadji Diouf spitting at a disabled fans, El-Hadji Diouf spitting at fellow professionals, Gary Neville’s tash, Joey Bartons temper, Gazza’s breakdown, Rio’s drugs ban, Christian Gross and his magic tube ticket, Wayne Rooney and his granny grabbing antics, Bowyer and Woodgates racist attack, Ali Dia blagging a game, Les Reed blagging a job, Glenn Hoddle and his backward views on spirituality, Big Ron’s backward views on acceptable language and Marco Boogers… in a caravan… impatiently waiting for a new toilet seat stole by Glen Johnson.
Dear reader this is the past, but unless the Premier League grow a pair and tell Platini where to shove his proposal, it could be the future generations only version of history.
by Shaun Owen